By Chris Luckett
2013 hasn’t had as many great movies as
recent years, but it’s certainly had its share of stinkers. A Bottom Ten list
doesn’t even do justice to some of the rotten pieces of cinema that have come
audiences’ way in the last 12 months. As bad as Paranoia, Safe Haven, and
Identity Thief may have been, they
all at least had some redeemable value. The following movies did not. If you
have the choice to watch one of these, refrain.
Dishonourable
mentions: Pain & Gain, G.I. Joe: Retaliation
10. 21 & OVER
A tired re-tread of The Hangover – which, let’s be honest, was already a re-tread of Dude, Where’s My Car? – with three teens
that feel like first-draft rejects from Project
X. The plot is dumb, the jokes are puerile, and the characters are
incredibly racist. If 21 & Over
achieves anything, it’s leaving you with a stupidity-driven headache to rival
the hangovers contained within.
9. HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS
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| Photo: Paramount Pictures |
After The
Hurt Locker, The Town, Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol,
and The Avengers, Jeremy Renner was
on an unbelievable hot streak. That ended with a loud thud when this stinker
limped into theatres in January. Dealing with the fairy-tale characters as
grown-ups had potential, but turning them into witch hunters for hire was an
incredibly bone-headed move that reeks of desperation. Jeremy Renner deserved
so much better than this.
8. THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES
The post-Harry Potter era is stuffed with YA adaptations, from The Hunger Games to Beautiful Creatures, but even the worst of the Twilight sequels is better than this horribly derivative and boring
mess. Even when the movie occasionally gets mildly interesting, the horrendous CGI
takes you right out of the experience. The Mortal
Instruments book series has six entries in it. Based on this first movie, there
likely won’t be five sequels.
7. MOVIE 43
A great cast does not necessarily make a
great movie. DVD bargain bins are littered with dreck starring gargantuan casts
of solid actors, like Valentine’s Day,
North, and Rat Race. After the filmmakers managed to get Hugh Jackman and Kate
Winslet to film a scene for it years ago, they tricked two dozens other famous
faces to film scenes and stitched them together into a horrible movie. Almost
all the actors have denounced their involvement in Movie 43. If you let it eat 90 minutes of your life, so will you.
6. RIDDICK
Pitch
Black was good, but not great. The Chronicles of Riddick was worse, but wasn’t completely awful. Riddick is the absolute worst of the
trilogy. Every scene is derivative of scenes from much better movies, like Aliens, Jurassic Park, The Road
Warrior, Starship Trooper, and
even the first Pitch Black. It’s the
worst movie Vin Diesel has made – and in the shadow of Babylon A.D. and The Pacifier,
that’s saying something.
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| Photo: The Weinstein Company |
5. SCARY MOVIE 5
The Scary
Movie franchise has one of the worst track records in modern cinema. Even
the first one, which was the best, was pretty bad. The sequels have all been
terrible, but usually each had at least one or two mildly funny moments. Scary Movie 5 is the new low point for
the series, with all the jokes aiming at the ground and still missing the
landings.
4. GETAWAY
Remember when, as a kid, you’d go over to a
friend’s house and they wanted to show you their new video game, but wouldn’t
let you play and you just watched them race around and shoot without getting to
participate yourself? That’s what watching Getaway
feels like. Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez are ordered to commit countless crimes
by an evil mastermind whose ultimate motives turn out to be so stupid, the
already brainless racing movie sputters to an absolutely moronic end.
3. A HAUNTED HOUSE
It’s a truly bad year when the worst Scary Movie sequel still isn’t the worst
horror-genre parody of it. After the atrocious Scary Movie 2, White Chicks,
Norbit, and Little Man, Marlon Wayans’s A
Haunted House continues his streak of making some of the worst excuses for
comedies in the medium of film. Not a single “joke” can elicit even a smile
from anyone with an IQ higher than that of a six-year-old’s. And even a
six-year-old would probably find its humour too immature.
2. BATTLE OF THE YEAR
Dance movies are Guitar Hero/Rock Band
games of modern cinema. They’re all basically the same, regardless of the
franchise or the number at the end of the title. Battle of the Year is a new low for the sub-genre, cramming every
clichéd character and plot development into a story about a breakdancing
contest that involves students society has given up on, a alcoholic has-been
who comes out of retirement to train them, and a climactic dance-off with every
stake on the line. The movie works best as a party game, competing to guess
what hackneyed line will be said next.
1. GROWN-UPS 2
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| Photo: Columbia Pictures |
The Waterboy. Little Nicky. Eight Crazy Nights. I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry. You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. Grown-Ups.
Just Go with It. Jack and Jill. That’s My Boy.
Grown-Ups 2 is worse than pretty much
all of them. The first five minutes includes a deer urinating on Adam Sandler’s
face, a teenage boy being caught masturbating in the shower by his mother, and
the said deer urinating all over the naked son while his mother watches. And the
other 95 minutes are even worse.
